hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
