Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
