We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
