That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
