Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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