What a fucking waste of an outfit
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
