they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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