I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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