She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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