How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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