I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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