Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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