Christians are straight up FREAKS
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
