I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
