your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
