My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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