Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
