I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
