i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Randomize
