i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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