my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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