People in love make me want to vomit
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
