Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
