I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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