Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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