Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
