i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
