2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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