I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
