He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
