he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
