i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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