New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
We have so much sex to catch up on
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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