2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
