This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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