I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
