Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
