At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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