I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
