I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
