it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
