she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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