so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
