Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
