Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
