between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
