I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Randomize
