This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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