dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
