I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
