Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
